


'Get A Troll' They Said

by LittleRainCloud (LittleSnowCloud)



Category: Hiveswap, Homestuck
Genre: 'Are trolls pack animals??? Google help', Dave does not struggle with his pet, Dave is just fine, Dirk struggles with his harem-creating pet, F/F, John struggles with his arm-humping pet, M/M, Multi, Petstuck, Sollux creates a harem
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-06-26 15:59:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15666510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSnowCloud/pseuds/LittleRainCloud
Summary: John adopts another troll so his first has company. He regrets it almost immediatly.Dirk adopts a troll instead of the dog he was planning on getting. He regrets it almost immediately.Dave loves his troll. His troll is perfect.Or: Some people get mad at their pets for doing some things."But you see, no pet is perfect. It BECOMES perfect when we accept it for what it is."





	1. Don't Be Afraid Of The New Guy Please

It was a Monday when John relented. "Get another troll!" they all cried. "Your's needs company!" And so he went to the pound and looked for a new pet. 

The man that was trying to help him was far more nervous than the situation warranted and it did nothing to help John's nerves. Getting a pet was a serious commitment! He didn't need some fidgety, shifty, nail-bitey worker shuffling after him like a shadow with anxiety. Doing his best to ignore the  _shff-shff_ of his dragging feet, John peered into the cage where several trolls cowered. All but one were squishing themselves desperately against the back of their cell and the one that wasn't was standing up on his back legs, purple eyes wide and curious. 

He was kind of cute, John supposed, with a purple-frilled tail and soft white face-fur that almost looked like a mask. His horns were long and wavy and he was bigger than the troll that John currently had at home. Older, perhaps? John smiled at the troll and after examining his expression the troll copied it fairly well, though his huge fangs were far more intimidating than John's blunt human teeth. 

John looked over at the assistant and the man jumped. John tried to look less threatening. "What about this one?"

"Y-Y-Yes, Yes, Yes sir- sir- sir- Yes sir." Shaking so hard John wondered if he needed some help, the assistant managed to get the key in the cage's lock and opened the door, reaching in and snatching the troll up before closing the cage and relocking it. "H-Here- Here- Here you go- go- you go- Here."

John just took the troll, setting it on his hip like he would a toddler. It started to purr, a deep rumble, and its claws gripped his shirt, its tail curling around his arm. It seemed to know what being taken from the cage meant. After some signatures on papers and some cash, John walked from the under-lighted building with his new troll. Lifting it up over his head, laughing softly when it held its little arms out like it was flying, John said, "Let's go home... Gamzee."

~~~

Tavros launched himself at John's legs when he walked in the house, purring and chirping, weaving between John's legs and almost tripping him. "Hey, hey! You're gunna make me fall!" Managing to step away from his pet's frantic rubbing, John trotted to the kitchen, a bag of pet supplies in one hand and Gamzee on his side. He set the bag on the kitchen island and set Gamzee down, patting the troll on the head. 

With a sharp sound of claws scrambling against tile, Tavros rocketed around the doorway, his welcoming chirrups turning to a squeal of fear that sent a spike of adrenaline through John's system, because oh my God  _my baby is hurt._ But Tavros wasn't hurt. He was just scared of Gamzee, his legs pumping in a desperate attempt at escape, his paws slipping over the tile with no traction as Gamzee waddled steadily closer. With another terrified wail that made John's neck hair stand on end, Tavros bolted from the kitchen. 

Shaking his head, deciding to let his pets deal with themselves for a minute, John busied himself with setting Gamzee up with a place to eat. He set out the troll's pet bowl, purple like his eyes, and filled it with food, adding some to Tavros' brown bowl as well before refilling their water dish. He got the harness and leash he'd bought and put it in the drawer that held Tavros' before getting out Gamzee's new collar and throwing the plastic bag away. 

"Gamzee!" John knew the troll wouldn't respond, but he needed to get used to hearing his name being called. "Gamzee!" 

Gamzee had cornered Tavros, the brown-tailed troll cowering in his bed and shaking all over as the bigger of the pair sniffed him over. Gamzee was purring softly, his tail waving frantically with an audible  _whoof-whoof-whoof-whoof._ He licked Tavros on the head and Tavros made a soft sound of terror. 

With a sigh, John clipped the collar around Gamzee's neck and scooped Tavros up, gently petting his shaking pet and silently bearing the claws that gripped his shirt and grazed his stomach. He sat down and clicked on the TV, murmuring soft words of reassurance to Tavros as Gamzee hopped up onto the couch beside them, sending the brown-blooded troll into another fit of shakes. Gamzee, his tail still wagging, leaned forward and rubbed his white-furred cheek against Tavros' haunch causing the smaller troll to sink his claws into John's leg. John bit his lip and attempted to get Tavros' claws away from his skin. 

Then Gamzee hopped back down and wandered off to explore his new home, his pawsteps high and proud. 

"He's gone now, okay? Okay Tavvy? Tavvy Tavvy?" The troll's tail wagged weakly at hearing his name and he shifted, leaning against John's stomach and propping his head against his human's arm. He meowed and John rubbed at his stomach. "You're going to have to get along with him, okay?" Tavros looked at him steadily with clear eyes and John almost believed that Tavros understood him. "He's going to be living here now and you won't be all alone when I'm at work. Won't that be nice? Hmm? Lil' Tavvy?"

Tavros meowed again and relaxed, turning to watch the TV with his ears pricked. John grabbed Tavros' ear gently, rubbing it with a thumb until the troll twitched it free. He knew Tavros didn't like it too much, but his ears were just so soft that sometimes John couldn't help himself.

They watched TV together in peace for a while until the new troll trotted into the living room, his purple tail held high, a grin on his muzzle. Tavros tensed up, ears laying back, and he attempted to hiss at Gamzee, the squeaky sound falling short of intimidating. John ran his hand along Tavros' spine in an attempt to keep him calm as Gamzee once again jumped onto the couch. 

Tavros turned his head to look up at John with fear, eyes wide and pleading. John patted him. "Go on. He's okay." Tavros' ear twitched and he shakily stood, four paws worth of claws sinking into John's legs. Biting his lip and gripping the edge of the couch, John successfully kept back any sound of pain as Tavros hesitantly sniffed in Gamzee's direction, visibly trembling, his tail tucked firmly between his legs. 

Gamzee let out a soft  _boof_ and Tavros screamed, scrambling up John's body and to the top of the couch, throwing himself off the back and dashing through the house. Gamzee lumbered over and laid in John's lap, tucking his limbs beneath himself with a satisfied look. Sighing in defeat, John scratched Gamzee behind the ears and absentmindedly combed his fingers through the troll's ruff of grey fur that made him look so much fluffier than Tavros. Tavros would probably think he was a traitor when he smelled his hands later. Big oof.

~~~

Tavros, better than any alarm clock, stood on John's bed and screamed his indignation at not yet being fed. 

"Uuhhhggggg..." John patted the troll on the head in the hopes that it would act as a snooze button. No dice. "What's up buddy? Whatcha want?" That got his attention. He paused in his caterwauls of rage to look at John with his ears pricked. John took a moment to regret, once again, the phrase he had taught Tavros to associate with food. Then he sighed and said, "Is it loop time?"

The troll went absolutely ballistic. 

Dashing in circles on the bed, chasing his own tail and screeching, Tavros made a ruckus while John dragged himself up, fumbling blindly for his clothes and pulling them on before warming his glasses' ear holders in his hands and sliding them on his face, blinking in the suddenly increased vision. Tavros flung himself from the bed, almost bouncing off the walls as John shuffled from his room and made his way to the kitchen. Dashing past him, Tavros made a flying leap and managed to get onto the kitchen counter, throwing his head back and screeching to the sky. John tiredly scooped him up and plopped him back down on the ground, grumbling a tired rebuttal and pouring a scoop of food in his pet's bowl. 

Tavros momentarily silenced, John went about making himself some coffee, barely managing to take a single sip before Tavros started screaming again. Shuffling around the kitchen island, John blinked at the two trolls gathered around the brown food bowl, the smaller one smacking the bigger one furiously as he ate. Two....? Trolls....?

WAIT A SECOND.

Hastily putting down his mug, John heaved Gamzee from Tavros' food bowl. "No, no, bad troll! God, I'm sorry! My fault! My fault!" He poured food in the purple bowl and pushed Gamzee in front of it, watching to see if the troll would take it. Purple tail wagging lazily, Gamzee looked between the two bowls and the still-furious Tavros. He shuffled forward a few inches and forced as much food in his mouth as possible before waddling over to Tavros' bowl, ignoring the brownblood as he fluffed up and hissed. Gamzee dropped his mouthful into Tavros' bowl and wagged his tail, purple eyes on the other troll's face. Tavros gave him a suspicious look and spat at him. 

Gamzee seemed unaffected by Tavros' hostility. He went back to his spot and started to eat. After taking a few wary sniffs, Tavros followed suit and John wearily went back to getting ready for the day. 

As he headed to work that day, he thought about calling Dirk or Dave. Maybe they'd know how to get Tavros to stop being so scared... Meh. He'd call them later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will likely be my LEAST UPDATED STORY! Lil heads up for you guys, it's just for when the depression starts getting worse and I need a fluffy distraction.


	2. Wait That's Too Close Stop Please God Why

John pressed his phone between his head and his shoulder, effectively continuing his conversation with Dirk while he attempted to unlock his front door. "It's just weird man, he straight up hates him!"

"Dude. Buddy. Friend. I already told you, it's a blood thing. You have a brown, you got a purple. Those things are like, hella above browns."

John grumbled a curse word and gave up on the key he was using, flipping to the next on the ring. "I didn't know they had natural hierarchies! I just assumed it was, ya know, an aesthetic thing."

"Nah man."

John sighed. "How do you even know any of this? You don't have any trolls."

"Sometimes I'm too lazy to change the Discorvery Channel."

"Fair enough." John sighed in relief as he finally found the correct key and opened the door, stepping into his house and bracing for impact on reflex, only to find that there was no Tavros to attack his legs. "Dude, Tavvy's not here to say hey."

"Oof, ouch, he dead."

"Dirk!"

"Sorry."

John let his phone drop into his hand and called out, "TAVROS! TAVVY! HERE BOY!" 

There was a distant sound of claws scrabbling on the floor and Tavros rocketed around that corner soon after, already meowing for attention. With a soft sigh of relief, John knelt and scratched his pet under the chin. "Found him. He must've not heard me come in, or something." Dirk started to say something no doubt sarcastic and scathing, but then John accidentally cut him off when he ran his hand down Tavros' back and encountered a wet, sticky place just above his tail, letting out a loud noise of disgust and flinching away. Tavros continued to look up at him with wide brown eyes, tail wagging. 

"What happened?"

John made a face and responded, "I was petting Tav and touched something funky. I don't know what he's been rolling in, but it's nasty." In what was a decidedly bad decision, John sniffed at his hand, gagging almost immediately. "Oh my God, it smells like a musk ox or something!"

"John, how do know what a musk ox smells like."

"I said or something!" Still making sounds of disgust, John went to the kitchen and scrubbed his hands thoroughly with water hot enough to scald. "Yuck yuck."

Then came a deep boof and John turned, drying his hands on his shirt, to bend and pat Gamzee's head, glad his new pet was already seeking him out. "Heeey, Gamzee, hey buddy, how's my good boy?" Gamzee's tail wagged and he let out another deep boof. Then Tavros, to John's great surprise, walked straight up to them both, standing close enough to Gamzee that the purpleblood's waving tail almost touched him. "Hey, good boy! Good boys!" Then, to Dirk, "Hey, Tavvy doesn't seem scared of him anymore."

"Already?"

"Yeah. He's standing right next to him."

"Maybe it's a Mama Cat thing. Like, he's not scared because you're here."

John scooped Tavros up and stood, flinching and making a mental note to wash his arm as a wet chill reminded him that his pet was rather dirty. "Not that I don't love the idea of being his mom, but I don't think that's it. He was literally screaming and crying yesterday and he was in my lap." John made his way to the bathroom while he talked, nudging the door closed behind him before Gamzee could follow and setting Tavros down. "Which was really weird, by the way, I've never heard him make a sound like that before, it freaked me out."

"Why?"

John turned on the tub, giving his troll a sympathetic look as the little thing crouched against the ground, ears pressed flat against his head. "I dunno man, it just- Hee~y, it's okay, it's okay- it just sounded, well, it sounded human."

"Like goats?"

"I guess?" John tested the water and put his phone on speaker before setting it on the counter and unclipping Tavros' collar. He scooped the little guy up and lowered him into the tub, trying not to feel guilty from the miserable stare Tavros gave him. At the door, Gamzee scratched, giving an oddly deep meow and sticking the tip of his tail beneath the door. "Anyway," John called to his phone. "Weren't you going to get a troll?"

"No way man. Too high-maintenance. I'm getting a dog."

"Just a dog?" John grabbed the cup that stayed on the tub's edge and dunked it in the water before dumping its contents over Tavros' fur. 

"You got something against dogs?"

"No, no, not at all." Once Tavros was sufficiently soaked, John layered him up in troll shampoo, filling the room with the scent of apple pie. "I just figured you were a cat person."

"Gunna ask why."

John tapped Tavros lightly on the head when he tried to drink the bathtub water. "They're stubborn, hold grudges, and scream when they don't get affection immediately after asking for it. They remind me of you."

"Damn, Egbert throwin' shade."

"Mmhmm." John rinsed Tavros off and pulled the plug on the water, only just remembered to wipe off that spot on his arm as well. "But do what you want I guess." 

"Always do. Oh, and I was actually just about to leave to go get said dog, so I'll call you back in a bit, tell you about the dog that's so much better than cats and also your trolls."

"Blleruuuhhh! Whatever! Love you, bye." John flinched and whispered, "Oof."

"Sorry bro, can't say I feel the same."

"I know! I know! It was an accident!"

"I mean, jeez John, I'm in a relationship."

"I knoooooooow!"

"And with you always going on about you are not a homosexual, well, let's just say this is a shock."

"Please, for the love of God, stop."

"Alright, alright. See ya buddy."

"See ya."

Dirk hung up and John sighed, gently squeezing the water from Tavros' paws before picking him up and wrapping him in a towel. He had a suspicious feeling that he'd never live that 'I love you' thing down. 

After thoroughly drying off Tavros, John put the towel in the hamper and grabbed the door knob. Little Tavvy was standing, stiff-legged with all his fur fluffed out, shivering with pent up energy. John wrenched open the door, Tavros launching himself through it the second it could fit his body, knocking Gamzee off his paws and barreling down the hall, yowling at the top of his voice. 

John, almost forgetting to grab his phone, followed much slower, Gamzee at his heels. In the living room, Tavros was desperately rubbing himself on the carpet, rolling and flailing about. Breathing hard, he stopped for a moment when Gamzee trotted to his side and started to sniff him, curiously running his muzzle over Tavros' now-clean fur. John watched him do his big sniff, thinking that it was actually kind of cute. As Gamzee sniffed him, Tavros rolled onto his stomach, tucking his limbs beneath him and watching Gamzee with bright brown eyes. The bigger troll got behind Tavros and pressed his entire face directly to the spot that John had just bathed him to clean, his tail, which had thus far been wagging frantically, falling still. 

He boofed softly, not raising his head, and Tavros barked some response. The purpleblood looked up then, both eyes locking onto John. Getting the uncomfortable feeling that they were talking about him, John sat down in his easy chair, kicking up the leg stand and sitting back. 

He ignored the two for a while after that, not really seeing any reason to look over at them. Occasionally, a loud purring would come from them both, something John assumed was a good sign. But then he knocked the TV remote off the arm of the chair and had to turn around to lean over for it, immediately letting out a screech as he saw that Gamzee was humping Tavros. Hard.  _And Tavros was just letting it happen._

"No!" John jumped up and attempted to shove Gamzee away, but the big troll growled and sunk his claws into the carpet. "Nooooo! Bad troll! Bad! Get off!" Grumbling, giving him a sour look, Gamzee backed off of Tavros, sniffing at the smaller troll's mussed fur before turning and trotting away. 

"Tavvy, why?" John groaned miserably, letting out a single sob as he suddenly realized what he'd had on his hands earlier. "What, did you just let him hump you the entire time I was at work?"

Tavros just blinked at him and yawned before shaking himself off and twisting around to lick at the purple stain on his fur. John made a noise of pure disgust and attempted to get the troll to stop, but every attempt was unsuccessful. Then, from the kitchen, came the deep boof of Gamzee and Tavros' ears pricked. He got up and trotted quickly after the other troll, no doubt, John thought, to get humped some more. 

"Why me?" He muttered, head in his hands. "Why did I have to be the one to get the humpy one?"

From the kitchen came loud purrs. From John came a loud sigh. He hoped Dirk would have better luck with his choice of pet. 


	3. I'm Here To Get A Dog But This Troll Keeps Yellin' At Me

Dirk hung up the phone and pushed it in his pocket, shaking his head at John's antics. True to his word, he then headed out of his home to get in his car and go get a dog. It kinda sucked being alone all day. 

When he arrived, he walked to the main desk and spoke to the receptionist, an olive skinned woman with wild grey-bleached hair. She shook her head, showing that half of it was shaved, and sat up straighter. "What can I do ya for?"

"Well, usually I charge a hundred bucks, but for you I guess I could go for fifty."

The woman laughed and put up a hand. "Dude, I'm a lesbian."

Dirk held up a fist. "I'm gay as a double rainbow."

"Well then." She snickered and bumped his fist with her own. "Whatta plot twist. You gunna tell me what you want or nah?"

"Yeah, I'm here to get a pet. Being alone low-key sucks ass."

"Mood. C'mon, they're back here." The woman led the way to the back of the room, pushing open a door and holding it for Dirk. Cages lined the walls, cats, dogs, and trolls of every shape, size, and color filling them.

He stopped to look into one cage, tilting his head down to look at the troll inside over the rim of his sharp anime shades. "What the fresh heck are you? Huh?" The troll hissed, arching it's back, something like fins flaring out on the sides of its head. "Mm." He kept going, strolling slowly along while the woman watched patiently. Stopping again, Dirk crouched in front of a cage, holding his hand to the bars to let the dog inside sniff him. It's tail was wagging like crazy. "Hey there little buddy."

Then came a screech unlike anything Dirk had ever heard. It sounded, he thought, almost human. Turning around, almost stumbling due to his awkward position, Dirk made eye contact with a tiny troll. Like, this bitch was  _small._ It's eyes looked like 3-D glasses and four horns poked through its head fur. "What are you screaming for?" The troll shifted closer to the bars, its tail wrapping around its paws and revealing its status as a yellowblood. Dirk turned to the dog again, reaching into the cage to grab its paw and squish its beans. "Love the beans, buddy." Again came that hellish shriek and Dirk whipped around, pushing his shades up to glare at the troll which blinked innocently up at him. 

Slowly, never breaking eye contact, the troll put one forepaw through its bars. Dirk scoffed and crouch-waddled over. "What? You wanna shake?" He shook the troll's paw, feeling more than a little ridiculous. It looked down then, its face scrunching up in something eerily similar to thoughtfulness. Then it shifted, half standing and extending one back leg through the bars. It spread its little toes and Dirk laughed. "You saw me squish the dog's paw didn't you? Little bastard." He grabbed the tiny paw and gently squished the beans. He had to admit, they were some very fine beans. "I didn't come here for a troll though, so bai."

He started to stand up and the troll jumped into a fighting stance and started screeching again, yowling until Dirk crouched back to its level. "You aren't going to stop are you?" It just licked its chops. Dirk sighed in defeat, thinking sadly of how John was gunna tease him later for doing exactly what he said he wasn't going to do. "Alright then." He waved his hand to get the woman's attention and she trotted quickly forward. "Guess I'm getting this little thing, seeing as it won't stop yelling."

"Good enough reason." She unlocked it and reached in to scoop up the troll. "Ya know, I'm kinda surprised he's being so vocal. When he got here he was all kinds of hurt. Wouldn't really do anything but shake and cry. Glad he's better." She tapped the troll's nose and he sneezed. "Here you go."

"Damn." Dirk let her place the troll in his arms and immediately it snuggled down against him, purring softly, one back paw pressed to his arm. "How old is it, uh, he, anyway?"

"Honestly?" They reentered the first room and walked to the counter. "The examinations we did show him as a fully grown adult." She pulled out some papers and started to show Dirk where to sign. 

"Seriously? He's like, a foot tall." That was a bit of an exaggeration, but he was unusually small. 

"Yeah, but what are you gunna do?"

"Fair enough." Dirk scribbled his name about seven times and forked over fifty bucks, accepting a small stuffed bee from the woman. 

"It's his favorite," she said with a grin. 

Dirk raised one hand in farewell and thanks before bumping the bee against his new pet's face until he reached up a paw and took it, his tail frill laying protectively over the ragged stuffed animal. Dirk left the building, and started to walk to his car, glancing down at the troll to find his odd eyes trained on Dirk's face. "What?" The troll raised one back paw and spread his itty-bitty toes. Dirk sighed and bent down to kiss the tiny paw. "Yeah, yeah, you're adorable. There, I said it." 

He got in his car, placed the troll carefully on the passenger seat and buckled them both in. Then, with a sigh, he called John back. The second the call went through John screeched through, "DIRK HE WAS HUMPING HIM!"

"Yo. What." Dirk started to drive. 

"That stuff on Tavvy was from Gamzee man, he was humping Tavros!"

Dirk laughed, almost running a red light. "Seriously? You had troll jizz on your hands?"

"Please don't ever say that agai- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOULD YOU TWO STOP IT ALREADY!"

"They still at it?" 

"Yes! They won't stop! Tavros doesn't even try to stop it, he just lays down and accepts it!"

"It's true love John, just let 'em get freaky."

"It's groooooss! GAMZEE JUST STOP IT YOU CAN'T EVEN CATCH YOUR BREATH ANYMORE! Gamzee is literally dying from exhaustion or something but he won't stop! He sounds like a pug!"

Dirk mimicked the sound of an out of breath pug. "Kind of like that?"

"... Disturbingly so, yes."

"Anyway, not that this isn't fascinating, it's time to get to the point of my call." Dirk pulled into his driveway and turned off the engine before scooping up his troll and getting out. "I got a troll."

"Yaaaaas bitch!"

"Whatever." Dirk bounced the troll like it was a baby, unlocking his home and entering, kicking the door shut behind him. "He's a tiny little shit, reeeeal stupid." The troll whapped him on the chest. "Okay, maybe not so stupid. Anyway, I have no idea what to name him. Can't very well name him Stupid."

"What color is his tail?"

"Yellow."

"I always kinda wanted to name a yellow one Sollux."

"Okay?" Dirk placed his troll on the back of his couch. "Do you just have names at the ready for every color?"

"Hehe... Yeah kinda."

"Mm. Well, I guess that's fine. Eh, stupid." The troll glared at him. "Your name's gunna be Sollux, alright?" Then that bitch shrugged. "John, bro, this bitch just shrugged at me. How smart are trolls?" 

"Umm... Like German Shepards, I think."

"Press X to doubt and all that." Dirk sat on the couch, grumbling when Sollux slid to his shoulders, laying across them with his head by Dirk's ear. "I'm gunna go now. Just wanted to let you know that I'm a lier."

"Yeah okay. I'm gunna see if I can get them to stop... You know."

"Ciao." Dirk hung up and dropped the phone into his lap, reaching one hand back to scratch his troll's head while he clicked on the TV. The little guy was pretty chill. Dirk figured he could've gotten worse. 

~~~

The next day when Dirk arrived home he was met by a hiss from a furious troll that was most definitely  _not_ his tiny Sollux. The beast was easily twice the size of Dirk's pet, probably bigger, and his tail was a heavy fin, smaller fins flared out on the side of its head and its face was marred by two jagged scars above its right eye. It raised its proportionally massive tail till the broad fin was behind its head and held it there for a moment, slamming it down with an impressive amount of force when Dirk moved closer. Raising his hands in response to the threat display, Dirk slowly started to creep around the weird fish troll. It shifted to watch him, scales raised. 

Dirk was hit with a sudden flash of worry. Where was Sollux? "Sollux?" He called the troll's name as loud as he dared and the seadweller on his floor hissed louder. 

There was a meow from the living room and the soft patter of small paws. Sollux stepped into Dirk's view, looking up at him and resting one back paw on his leg. The troll chirruped and Dirk crouched down to scoop him up, freezing when the finned troll spat and lashed out. Then, to Dirk's great confountion, Sollux chittered like an angry squirrel and the other troll backed down immediately, crouching against the floor with its fins pressed to the side of its head. Stiff-legged, hackles raised, Sollux went to stand above the other troll, hissing like a furious cat till it whimpered softly, finned tail tucked against its side. Then, further confusing Dirk, Sollux meowed softly and started to lick at the seadweller's fins, yellow-frilled tail wagging gently. The seadweller made a sound like cartoon bubbles being blown and stood up, head ducked so it was close to Sollux's. Sollux turned and looked at Dirk with what could only be described as pride. 

"Um..." Dirk looked at the fish troll and went closer to the two of them, carefully lifting the seadweller and awkwardly taking it outside. He set it down and shut the door, flinching when Sollux immediately started to scream. "What!? What is it!? What?!"

Sollux threw his head back and screeched again. 

Dirk opened the door and the seadweller trotted in with a huff, broad tail dragging against the floor. Sollux immediately went quiet, weaving around the new troll and humming softly. Dirk sighed and called John. "Hey, John? Got any names for a seadweller? Sollux um... Found one? He screams when I put it outside."

"Um... Yeah man, sure." Poor John sounded tired. 

"Hey, you good man?"

"Yeah, just... They didn't go to sleep till around three thirty in the morning."

"Oof."

"Yep. How's yours? You said he found another one?"

"Yeah." Dirk glanced down when a soft thud announced the fact that both trolls had collapsed into a purring, cuddly heap. "I walked in and saw this ugly mofo, stupid fins and all. Pretty sure it's a he. Sollux seems to like him."

"Mm... Well, I'm pretty sure Jade already took the name Eridan, so... Cronus?"

"Isn't that like, a Greek god or some shit?"

"I don't think it was Greek, but maybe?"

"Mm. Good enough I guess. Hey!" Both trolls paused in their grooming to look up at him. "Fish face, your name is Cronus." Cronus' tail whapped the ground once and he went back to gently cleaning Sollux's fur. "Well, thanks John. I just hope he doesn't bring any more home, I didn't even want to deal with one and now I've got two."

"Yeah, anytime dude... Hey, if he brings a green one home, name it Percie!"

"I literally just said I don't want any more, but okay. Good luck with your humper."

"Uhg... Thanks. Bye."

"Buh-bye." Dirk returned his phone to his pocket and sat down next to the two trolls, crossing his legs. "Alright you ugly fart, let's take a look at ya." Sollux peeked out at Dirk over one of Cronus' forearms, his tail wagging frantically. Cronus growled weakly at Dirk as he tugged at his ears and fins, but he fell silent when Sollux gently brushed their muzzles together with a warbly chirp. "Stop being so cute." Dirk booped them both on the noses. "And no more 'friends', Sollux, understand?" The troll turned to look at him with his flat eyes, blinking innocently and Dirk began to have a nagging suspicion that his troll's look of innocence was a carefully maintained lie. 

"You lil shit," Dirk mumbled, gently patting Sollux before standing up to make himself some dinner. 


	4. Guess I'm Shopping

Dirk woke up expecting to have two trolls on his bed. He did not wake up with two trolls on his bed. He woke up with  _three._

Sollux was curled up, purring in his sleep between breaths, and the two Dirk had most certainly  _not_ intended to own were laying around the tiny yellowblood, encircling him completely. "Alright," Dirk muttered, "where did you come from?" 

Gingerly, hoping the new one wasn't a biter, he lifted its tail up to see the color. Red. 

"You know what?" Dirk grumbled, leaning down to see the sleeping rustblood's face, "Your name is gunna be Gargar. Gargar Barbar the stupid troll."

Sollux raised one back paw and pressed it to Dirk's lips, a soft, comforting trill issuing from the troll's throat. Dirk kissed the paw and Sollux made the same noise once more, stretching out till his tail shivered. Dirk scooped the troll up and he offered no resistance, going completely limp. "What are you doing?" Dirk maneuvered the floppy troll into his arms and, cradling him like a baby, got up and left the other two behind, heading to the kitchen for breakfast. 

As he shuffled through his cabinets for food with one hand, Sollux snuggled closer against him, purring and gripping Dirk's shirt with one little clawed paw, bicolored eyes blinking open. Dirk looked down at him and Sollux immediately grabbed one of his back paws and pulled it up, spreading his lil toe beans. 

"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?" 

Sollux's tail wagged in response and he pulled his back paw closer to his head, half-hiding behind his own foot. 

"You  _are!"_ Dirk let his arm go limp and Sollux screeched as he plummeted downward, landing lightly on his paws and glaring upward. "Manipulative lil bitch, ain't ya?" Sollux bared his teeth. "Yeah, yeah, sorry."

Uncertain as to what trolls ate, Dirk just grabbed two bowls and some cereal, figuring that whatever he could eat, Sollux could eat. He put it all on the kitchen table and turned to get the milk from the fridge, hearing a suspicious thud almost immediately after he turned his back. Whirling back around, Dirk blinked in surprise to find Sollux on the table and sniffing in the cereal box, stretched up on his back paws to poke his head into the top. 

"Sollux!" Dirk snatched the milk and thumped it down next to the yellowblood, causing him to jump back and almost fall off the table. "What are you doin' up here?"

Sollux narrowed his eyes. Dirk did not like that expression. The troll shook himself and seemed to sigh before he raised his tail and sauntered over to where Dirk leaned against the table, brushing his cheek against Dirk's arm and laying his tail beneath Dirk's chin. 

Dirk pushed the troll away. "Oh my God, is my troll trying to flirt with me?"

Sollux's ears laid back on his head and he again narrowed his eyes. Then he stood on his back legs, forelegs at his sides like arms. He looked like a warrior, weary from the fight and yet still swinging. Their eyes met. Sollux did not blink first. 

"Fine, fine..." Dirk poured them both breakfast. "Just stop standing like a person." 

Humming like a bee, Sollux crouched next to his bowl and cronched a few bites of cereal, licking milk off his chops. 

Heavy pawsteps and the sound of something dragging announced the presence of Cronus, the fish troll yawning to show double rows of serrated teeth. He gurgled and Sollux wandered to the edge of the table to meow a response, laying down and hanging one paw over the edge. Dirk watched them meow, bark, click, and purr until he finished his breakfast, then he put his bowl away and attempted to take what Sollux had yet to eat. The tiny troll immediately leapt to his paws and whirled around, screaming at the top of his voice. There was a scrabble of claws as the new russetblood barreled in, fur fluffed up. Cronus started to howl, a horrifying sound, and Dirk quickly set the bowl back down to make it stop. "Okay! Okay! Sorry!"

Sollux fell silent and Cronus quickly followed his example, light purple eyes fixed on the place he'd last seen Sollux. 

Dirk ran one hand over his face. "I should have left you at the shelter." 

Sollux had been purring quietly and eating his food, but both stopped at Dirk's words. The little yellowblood just stared at his Applejacks, ears back. Dirk was seriously starting to wonder if these things could understand the human language. 

"Hey..." Dirk, feeling a bit guilty, reached out to carefully pet Sollux between the horns. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean it." Sollux's ears twitched. "But I don't like being yelled at. It hurts my ears." The troll glanced up at him. Dirk took that as encouragement. "And I don't want you just letting your friends in my house okay? I live here too. Don't just do stuff."

Sollux weakly started to eat again but he didn't purr and he didn't respond to Cronus' occasional, deep meow. When the Applejacks were gone, Sollux licked at the milk once or twice but ended up turning away, walking to the edge of the table, and jumping off. Dirk started to dive forward, scared that the fall would hurt the diminutive troll, but to his great surprise there was a soft blue and red glow surrounding Sollux and he was floating gently to the ground. Cronus and Gargar started to weave around him the second he landed, purring and licking his fur. Sollux nosed both of them softly and meowed something, giving Dirk one last look before trotting away with both the others at his heels. 

Dirk groaned and went to collapse on his couch in the living room, already pulling out his phone to call John. After a bit, a sleepy voice answered, "Joh' Egber' here... Can I help you?"

"Sup dude. You sleeping?" 

"Was... What's up?"

"Well, I have three trolls now."

"You do?" A bit of energy came to John's voice and Dirk sighed. 

"Yes. Three. It's a reddy, before you ask, and I named it Gargar out of spite."

"Gargar?"

"Yeah, sass me later."

Dirk heard bedsprings squeak as John moved. "Well... What're you gunna do?"

"Keep it, I guess." Dirk tucked his legs under himself. "Oh, and I may have had a fight with Sollux already."

"Had a fight? Dude, they're trolls."

"Yeah but... I swear to you, there's something weird about my little guy." Dirk went on to explain the breakfast situation. "I think he understood everything I said, John. Everything. He's smart, I can see it in his eyes."

"Mm. Well, good luck with that. I've got it hard enough with my stupid humper and humpee, can't imagine what having an above average one would be like."

"It sucks ass, John. And what makes it worse is that he's psiionic." 

"He what now?"

"Psiionic. He has magyks, John, freaky magyks." 

"Woah... Wait, hold up, I gotta..." Distantly, Dirk could hear John screeching something to his trolls. "Sorry, they just... Gamzee just woke up, rolled over, and humped Tavros awake."

"Oof ouch." Quite suddenly, Sollux jumped onto the arm of the couch and Dirk barely restrained himself from punching him back off. "Oh my gosh... Okay. Little bro just jumped up here and scared the shit outta me." Sollux's head was ducked, all four paws tucked neatly together. "Whatcha want, buddy?" The little troll leaned forward till his face was pressed against Dirk's arm. He whimpered pathetically. "Hey, hey..." Dirk shifted a bit and Sollux immediately darted into his lap, pressing as close as possible and hiding his face in Dirk's chest. "Aww, man..."

Dirk wrapped one arm around Sollux. "Dude, I think something's wrong, little guy just got all snuggly on me. Dude, he's shaking."

"Is he hurt anywhere? Do you need me to come over?"

"I don't know man..." Dirk started to poke at Sollux gently, looking for anywhere that was bleeding. "What's up, Sol'? What's up, bumblebee?" The little troll buzzed softly at the word 'bee' and Dirk half smiled. "Yeah, there you go, you're alright, you're alright... I don't see any blood, but he's still acting all scared."

"Did you check his stomach?"

"Nah, he's too curled up for me to see it. Hey. Sollux. C'mon buddy, you gotta let me see." Dirk continued to try and coax Sollux out, barely looking up when Cronus arrived with a deep rumble and a wet sound, Gargar squeaking behind him. The seadweller jumped up onto the couch and started to sniff at Sollux, large tail shifting lightly in what may have been a wag. He kept warbling the same tone, pushing his muzzle to Sollux's side every time, until Sollux jerked his head around and hissed, sending Cronus off the couch and out the room with his tail between his legs. 

"Woah." Dirk patted Sollux a bit more carefully. "He just hissed off Cronus, Dudebert."

"Oh damn. Hold up." Then, loud enough for Dirk to hear clearly, "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND OTHERWISE, AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL YOU'VE EATEN BEFORE YOU START HUMPI-  _GAMZEE NO GET OFF OF HIS FACE!"_ There was a loud crashing, another scream from John, and a deep caterwauling that Dirk could only assume was Gamzee. 

"Sorry, I just had to deal with that."

Dirk muttered some kind of response, gently shaking Sollux. "Hey little buddy, are you hurt somewhere?" The yellowblood shook his head. Dirk wasn't even surprised this time. "Then what's up?"

Sollux whimpered and Dirk felt tiny claws gripping his shirt. 

"Hey, Dirk?"

"Hmm? What?"

"You said you had a fight with him, right? Maybe apologize?"

Dirk patted Sollux gently. "Already done. Maybe you should come over."

"Just say sorry again first."

With an over dramatic sigh, Dirk poked at Sollux's ribs until the tiny troll raised his head. "Hey. I'm sorry I got mad, okay?"

Sollux lowered his head again and made a noise that sounded uncomfortable close to "No".

"Uh... I, um..." Dirk fought the urge to push the creepy little thing off his lap and onto the floor. "I won't try and take your food anymore? You can have some friends around? What is it? What's wrong?" Grabbing him under the forelegs, Dirk lifted Sollux up till he could look at his face. "Hey..." Sollux's tail gave a half-hearted wag. "I want you here, okay? You're family now. I'll take care of you."

Sollux shivered once and went limp as a rag doll. 

Placing the tiny troll back on his lap, Dirk resumed his conversation. "John, old buddy old pal, I officially feel like shit."

"What? Oh. Why?"

"He thought I was gunna take him back." Dirk ran his hand over Sollux's fur and the troll gave a short, quiet purr. 

"Oh no!" 

Dirk mumbled something, as one is wont to do when the person you converse with can't see your face to know you're listening. 

"Dude, you gotta love on him! Go buy him stuff! Stuff always works! It's almost my birthday by the way."

Dirk laughed, absently moving to mess with Sollux's tail frill. A soft growl stopped him and he looked down at the little troll in surprise. Sollux lowered his bicolored eyes after brief contact, flicking his tail away from Dirk's reach. "Okay, okay..." Dirk went back to petting the yellowblood's spine. "I'm sorry. I won't touch your tail." Sollux chuffed. "Mm. And yes John, I will get you a present."

"Awesomeness!" The last of John's tiredness was gone from his voice. "Hey, I gotta go, but do me a favor and figure out why Gamzee keeps humping Tavros, please? I googled it but... I dunno, maybe I didn't have the right keywords."

"Yeah okay. Bye." Dirk awkwardly scooped Sollux up into the crook of his arm, leaning to the side and sticking his leg out so he could shove his phone in his pocket. 

"Alright." Standing up and getting a better hold on his tiny troll, Dirk started to make his way to the front door. "Let's go Sollux." The troll started shaking, his tail pressing close to his body. Dirk bent down to kiss Sollux's forehead. "I'm going to get you something, okay? A toy, or whatever. That's it." Sollux kept his face pressed to Dirk's shirt and he kept shaking. "Why are you so scared?"

Cradling Sollux like a baby, Dirk carried the troll to his car, gently setting him on the passenger seat and buckling him up. He made his way around the car and settled in the driver's seat, reaching over to rub around Sollux's horns for a second until the troll gave a wobbly purr. "There you go, good boy."

He drove in silence, for once not wanting the soft bump of music. He considered going to some place like Petsmart, but that seemed a little... Off. Dirk couldn't exactly put his finger on it, but he didn't like the thought of taking Sollux to a place meant for dogs and cats. So he went to WallMart instead.

When he parked and turned off the car he noticed that Sollux was shaking again, bicolored eyes turned to the window. It then hit Dirk that Sollux was far too small to see where he was. Sighing, Dirk got out of the car and went around to get his troll, unbuckling him and gently lifting the tiny thing into his arms. Ears pricked, sniffing at the air, Sollux's shaking stilled as he looked up at the massive shopping center and around the large parking lot. "See? Just gunna get you something, clothes maybe." Sollux's tail wagged once and he hummed, settling down in Dirk's grip, ears swiveling. 

He stayed on apparent alert as Dirk made his way to and into the store, turning his head to watch the racks and people. He meowed and pointed one paw at a stuffed cat. Dirk made a face and said, "Yep, that's a cat." Sollux chuffed, but thankfully didn't start screaming. 

Making his way to the children's clothes, Dirk made a possible bad decision and bent a knee to place Sollux on the ground. "Alright little buddy, go pick something." Sollux twisted to look up at him, searching his face before boofing softly and hopping forward a bit. Dirk shuffled after him for quite a while, watching as the small troll pulled things to the floor with his mind and shook them around a bit. "Do you even know what clothes are for?" Sollux disappeared around a corner and Dirk sighed, following after to find the tiny troll pulling on a yellow and black child-sized jacket that was almost too big. 

"Ni." Sollux stood up on his back legs, stretched to his tiptoes with his arms a bit extended from his sides. 

"Yeah, you look good." Dirk popped him a thumbs up and Sollux took off again. Dirk kept up easily with the troll's tiny legs. After a few more minutes of clothes being yanked from racks, Sollux glowed blue and red and lifted himself upward, coming to rest on the top of a shelf. 

"Oh no. Uh, come down from there please." Dirk looked around and hoped no employees were nearby. "Not allowed up their buddy."

Sollux chittered at him and leapt, gliding forward on a blue and red cloud. Dirk had to run to keep up with him. Eventually, Sollux landed in the girl's section, immediately pulling a pack of hair ribbons from a shelf and holding it out to Dirk. "Neh."

"You don't even have hair, bee."

Sollux's ears flapped for a second. 

"Oh my gosh..." He knelt and Sollux hopped onto his leg, gently pushing the ribbons into his hand. "Okay, okay, hold still." He ripped open the pack- no turning back now- and bow-tied one to each of Sollux’s ears. He scooped up Sollux and held him up to a mirror. “Tah-dah.”

Sollux looked at his reflection for a moment, turning his head and tugging gently at the jacket. He looked at Dirk and chirped, tail raised. Then something weird happened. Sollux’s tail kind of... Split. Straight down the midline of his frill. It didn’t look natural and Dirk briefly wondered how it had happened. He decided he didn’t want to think about it too much. 

“Is this what you want, buddy?”

Sollux nodded. Dirk decided that his life would be easier if he just accepted that he’d found the one troll with the intelligence of a human. “Then let’s go.”

He bought Sollux’s coat and bows and the troll was considerably more cheerful on the ride back home, warbling with the radio, his damaged tail looking whole again (though now that Dirk knew it was scarred up like that, he could tell). The second he walked into his house, Sollux on his shoulder, Cronus was swatting at his legs and gurgling. 

Dirk crouched and let Sollux use his arm as a ramp to the floor, watching for a moment as Cronus sniffed at the much smaller troll’s clothes. Sollux chirped something at him and Cronus’ fins flapped. Gargar Barbar the Stupid Troll trotted in then, apparently drawn by the other’s voices and Dirk watched them nose and sniff and bork. 

Looking at Sollux, Dirk had a distinct feeling that this wasn’t the end of his troll troubles.


End file.
